I got up and prostrated to the Maharshi in gratitude. I had finally understood what his teachings were and are. He had told me not to be attached to any personal god, because all forms are perishable. He could see that my chief impediments were god’s beautiful form and the love I felt towards him. He had advised me to ignore the appearances of these ephemeral gods and to enquire instead into the nature and source of the one who wanted to see them. He had tried to point me towards what was real and permanent, but stupidly and arrogantly I had paid no attention to his advice.
With hindsight I could now see that the question ‘Who am I?’ was the one question which I should have asked myself years before. I had had a direct experience of the Self when I was six but had not appreciated it or valued it. My mother had convinced me that it was an experience of Krishna and had somehow brainwashed me into undertaking a quest for an external god whom she said could supply me with that one experience that I desired so much. In a lifetime of spiritual seeking I had met hundreds of sadhus, swamis and gurus, but none of them had told me the simple truth the way the Maharshi had done.
None of them had said, ‘God is within you. He is not apart from you. You alone are God. If you find the source of the mind by asking yourself “Who am I?” you will experience Him in your Heart as the Self.’
If I had met the Maharshi earlier in my life, listened to his teachings and put them into practice, I would probably have saved myself years of fruitless external searching.
I must make one other comment about the greatness of the Maharshi. In the days that followed my vision of Ram, Sita and Hanuman, I went all over Madras, looking for advice on how to start my chanting again. The swamis I saw there gave me pious platitudes because they could not see into my Heart and mind the way the Maharshi could. Several days later, when I came and sat in front of the Maharshi, he didn’t tell me to keep on trying because he could see that I had reached a state in which my intense chanting could never be resumed again. ‘You have arrived,’ he said. He knew what state I was in even if I didn’t appreciate it myself. He directed his divine look at me and through that single glance of grace he showed me and made me appreciate what I already was.
The real Master looks into your mind and Heart, sees what state you are in, and gives out advice that is always appropriate and relevant. Other people, who are not established in the Self, can only give out advice that is based on either their own limited experience or on what they have heard or read. This advice is often foolish. The true teacher will never mislead you with bad advice because he always knows what you need, and he always knows what state you are in.
The Maharshi had taught me that I should not run after the forms of gods such as Krishna because they are ephemeral. Though I have followed his advice since he showed me who I am, nonetheless, images of gods still continue to appear to me. Even now, decades after my spiritual search ended, Krishna still regularly appears to me. I still feel a great love for Him whenever He appears, but He no longer has the power to make me look for anything outside my own Self.
Let me explain. When I was a young boy, I thought that the body of Krishna was real because I could touch it. I now know that this is not the true criterion of reality. Reality is that which always exists and never changes, and only the formless Self meets that definition. With hindsight I can therefore say that, when I was a boy, the appearance of Krishna in my bedroom was a transient, unreal phenomenon which arose in consciousness, the one reality. All the other appearances of Krishna in my life can be classified in the same way. Now, abiding as the Self, I cannot be tricked or deluded by the majesty of the gods, even the ones that manifest right in front of me, because I know that whatever power or beauty they may appear to have is illusory. All power and beauty are within me as my own Self. I no longer need to look for them anywhere else.